Scathed

Last night, we watched one of my favorite shows, Scrubs.  Lately, it's featured a storyline where two of the main characters, Carla and Turk, are trying to get pregnant.

At the first few of those episodes, I winced a little, out of both recognition and envy, as they went through the exaggerated forced-sex-at-ovulation-time phase of the early stage of trying to conceive.  I recognized it with a tinge of sadness, remembering a time when we were excited about trying, full of hope and silly jokes and well-timed romps.  I simultaneously envy and scorn the innocence and ignorance of those who still believe that sex makes babies, but I suppose it makes for better TV than, say, an IVF cycle. 

Last night, however, the show took a slightly darker turn, one I feared might be coming when this story arc began.  In that episode, Carla laments the arrival of her period, because they've been trying for TWO WHOLE MONTHS!  Steve and I snickered, and I said darkly, "Try two YEARS, bitch, and then we'll talk." 

Carla then decides to get a "fertility test."  She dithers over the test, but finally decides to go through with it.  And, of course, she gets her results, and they're good, and she falls asleep with a happy smile on her face.

I had several problems with this whole scenario.  First, of course, there was the issue of the test itself.  Apparently, this mythical test is something that all of us have somehow missed out on in all of our combined years of bloodlettings, probings and procedures.  I am SO going to sue my RE over this--while I spent countless hours and dollars having an HSG, hysteroscopy, multiple coochie wandings, and hundreds of vials of blood drawn, apparently my fertility could have been tested with one simple step!  Who knew? 

More than this, though, I hated the false sense of fear created by taking the test, and the anticipated, and achieved, "okay" result.  It was so difficult to watch her cycle through the thoughts: "Oh, gosh, I hope there's not anything wrong with me...I'd hate to be one of 'those' people; I can't imagine how terrible it would be to have problems conceiving...phew!  Everything's fine!  I'm not broken after all!"

That demarcation, the line between the "lucky" ones who don't have a problem, and those of us who do, really stung, because unfortunately, that's how it seems to be in life.  We are, quite obviously, in the "Sucks to Be You" group, and for so many people, we are easily dismissed as such.  Implicit in that distinction is the assumption that we must have done something to merit our fate, and it is because of virtue, not luck, that they don't have to face this particular hurdle.

Steve and I have had discussions lately about whether or not, now that I am obviously pregnant, we are still infertile.  I say, immediately, yes.  He's not so sure.  His position is that, compared to an infertile couple still going through treatment, we shouldn't refer to ourselves as infertile, as it might sound insincere or false.  And I do feel somewhat silly perpetuating references to my "barren womb," when right now it's actually just the opposite.      

And yet, I don't know that Steve fully realizes that behind our joys of late, despite our dawning realizations that we might actually get a real baby to take home, there still lurks the very real pain of infertility.  Sure, having a baby will balance the playing field considerably, but we will still be marked as different in so many ways, hopefully less so through the years.  I feel that in some real way, my experience with infertility has changed the core of who I am, in ways both bad and good, that in some small way will continue to define me in the years to come. 

Pregnancy has helped tremendously:  my rage over infertility has subsided considerably through these past few months.  I'm far from cured, though, as I find my anger still flares up when I see people who conceive thoughtlessly and effortlessly, or who do not treasure their children as the tremendous blessings that they are. 

Or, apparently, when another pop culture outlet shows us as a worst case scenario, a fate to be avoided at all costs. 

Comments

[Mellie]

Well said, Jen. I hope to follow in your shoes - 1st by getting pregnant and 2nd by having the rage dissipate. I've been leery of the "Scrubs" plot line too, and haven't yet watched last night's episodes.

[Adrienne]

very well said, as usual :-)

i actually think that infertiles who finally achieve pregnancy are doing more of a disservice to those still undergoing treatment by behaving as if they are "cured"...nothing worse than a former infertile who forgets what its like to be on the other side.

Even though I have a child I really can't relate to most other mothers I know, as most if not all had zero problems getting pregnant...multiple times. In fact, I feel like a freak in my neighborhood where it seems everyone has 2.5 kids under 5 and a couple of dogs in tow (me, allergic to dogs and just one 4 year old child--total freak, lol!)

Adrienne

[Jenn]

I love the show normally, but now it conflicts with Commander in Chief and I actually like that more, so I haven't seen many episodes. I'm glad I missed last nights.

I think we are still infertile. It still feels that way, even with slightly less rage. I refer to as being a recovering infertile.

[Christa]

Really? I think you're being just a tad bit too sensitive; I thought the episode was entertaining (it is SCRUBS, after all -- how seriously does the show treat any topic?)

[Jess]

De-lurking here...

As a memeber of the "sucks to be you" group, I also watched last night's episode with skepticism. Your post summed up my feelings perfectly (and prompted my first blog comment ever...I'm a serial lurker). I think part of the problem is that infertility is a very complex medical issue (how many of us are lucky enough to find that quick fix?) that is hard to boil down to a half-hour show. Most of the time I wish they would just leave it alone lest they piss me off even more than I already am. But at the same time, I'd like to see the public educated a bit...at least to the extent that a sitcom can do.

Incidentally, The Bernie Mac show is also running a ttc story line which, so far, is looking a bit more realistic. Wanda even had a chemical pregnancy.

I wish good things for you and will continue to follow your story.

[melinda]

Delurking to say that I have also found the Bernie Mac storyline more realistic. My husband and I have watched it together and it helped us have some interesting conversations. I love Scrubs, but this storyline sucks. I always have a problem with how infertility is treated in tv shows. When I was a kid my mom watched "Sisters" which was a night-time drama that had a sister doing a surragocy for another sister. At the time, my aunt was struggling with infertility and my mom was considering doing surrogacy for her. (My aunt became pregnant on the last try before they were going to make plans for surrogacy.)In the show, the surrogate ended up taking custody of the baby because the infertile sister wasn't being a "good mom." (Which, if I remember, meant that she was working long hours or something like that)Even as a child, I remember thinking that it didn't show surrogacy in a positive light. Anyway, enough about that. Love your blog!

[Karen]

That story line bugged me too, for the exact reasons you described. I know people don't watch Scrubs for medical advice, but if women got the impression you can check fertility any old time with a simple "test," that would be a disservice. There's enough bad information about fertility floating around without pop culture adding to it.

[Crystal]

I hate how tv portray infertile people. I'm glad I didn't see that episode.

[Erin]

I saw the show, too, and was irritated, but couldn't put my finger on it until I read the post.

I think it is the fact that the show made infertiles *the other*. We are the people other people don't want to be.

[CraZmom]

De-lurking to say I also watched the show and commented to my husband about the "fertility test". I would have loved to know about it before all the painful procedures we endured to find out "there is nothing medical preventing you from getting pregnant that we can find." We eventually got there and have 3 beautiful kids but it doesn't ever give us back the years we struggled through to create and grow our family.

[STACY]

I almost kicked the TV in last night when that twit said she had been trying a WHOLE 2 months! I am going on 12 years & I wanted to rip her face off! Where the hell do these people come up with this shit for sitcoms. I bet you anything someone will ask any one of us infertiles to explain the 'Fertility Test' because they been trying for 2 months also & they are worried something might be wrong!

Stacy

[Jill]

Well said. I almost nodded my head right off my neck in enthusiastic agreement with this:

"We are, quite obviously, in the "Sucks to Be You" group, and for so many people, we are easily dismissed as such. Implicit in that distinction is the assumption that we must have done something to merit our fate, and it is because of virtue, not luck, that they don't have to face this particular hurdle."

[T]

I don't watch that show, but I do know that a LOT of people take tv as realism and I wonder how many women that have been trying for a couple of months called their doctor for "the test" today?

I think you summed this up very well. I absolutely still think of myself as infertile and I have a feeling I always will. Pregnancy has absolutely dimmed my rage and shame, but it's still there - ready to flare when one of my friends is in a bad spot, which is unfortunately, happening quite a bit lately. Pregnancy to healthy baby is the goal - I don't think after years of infertility that there is actually a cure.

[mm]

I was so disappointed to see one of my favorite shows go down that well trodden path. Et tu, Scrubs!?

[Inga]

You did a good job describing the misrepresentation on TV shows of infertility. I just had a friend yesterday who asked why I didn't feel/behave like any other pregnant woman? She didn't understand why I don't feel like I am part of the same group of pregnant women who haven't had trouble getting/staying pregnant.

I know I have been permanently changed by what I have experienced. I would be doing a disservice to myself to pretend that none of that mattered now that I am pregnant.

[Cat, Galloping]

ditto. at first i was hopeful about the story line, but the simple single test and the easy resolution... blech.

so you know: having the actual baby went a lot farther towards healing my wounds than simply being pregnant. i'm still irritated by those who announce they will get pregnant in september or whatever, but not rubbed raw by every pregnant woman, baby, song on the radio, tv show, etc.

[julia]

I think that tv portraying just about any medical condition incorrectly is a given. I have a child with type 1 diabetes and there have been a couple of shows that mention type 1 and the things they're saying and doing with regards to treating the disease are just so wrong that I want to scream. It just perpetuates the myth that, if you check your blood sugar once in a while and don't eat sweets, you'll be just fine.

I usually wind up writing to the network or the show itself, if I can find an email address, and saying my piece. Maybe you could send a version of this post. It's a good post and you bring up good points - things that should be brought to the attention of the powers that be.

[Kellie]

I looked at my husband during that episode and said "fertility TEST?" WTF? He says, you know this isn't real medicine. And I do know that.

However, Scrubs, Friends and who knows how many other shows take a very serious subject that hurts a lot of people mainly because those who are blessed to not have IF problems, don't get it, and makes light of it.

I will, however, continue to faithfully watch Scrubs, as it is my favorite TV show right now.

[Bev]

I hate when shows do that! I also feel like you, that my rage has dimmed, although even after having two healthy children, I still feel angry over things like that show. I also still feel that kicked in teh stomach feeling every time a friend or aquaintance mentions another pregnancy, especially one they're not happy about! And if one more person asks me if we are going to 'try' for a girl I will scream! People have no idea how hard infertility treaments, especially IVF, are! Thanks for the post!

[thalia]

Oh I remember that Sisters storyline and it annoyed the hell out of me even though I was a long way away from being infertile at the time. I don't watch scrubs but am not surprised to see this kind of storyline. Who in tv-land is going to get this? It's much too complicated and unhappy for a traditional tv show.

[louise]

Delurking to say that your comment about fertiles feeling they're fertile by virtue, not luck, really hit home. One of the worst parts of infertility for me has been feeling excluded, defective and somehow not deserving to be in the club and struggling with the (unintentional I'm sure) smugness of those around me who can have kids at the drop of a hat.
But watching the Jeremy Kyle Show (UK Jerry Springer type show) the other day and seeing a teen couple with a new baby talk about how they hate each other and their baby was a mistake (a perfect baby although the mother admitted to smoking dope throughout her pregnancy) it really did hit me how random pregnancy is. It's got nothing to do with anyone deserving anything. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but for me it's helped a bit to really be able to see that at last.
All that stuff about being less of a woman because I'm having trouble conceiving is such soul destroying rubbish and is probably perpetuated more by me than those around me. Being able to create a baby is a special gift, but it's nothing to be proud of per se - it's a biological function, nothing more, nothing less.
Another comment that really angered me was in the Sopranos when an FBI agent said that Adriana and Chris couldn't have kids because nature weeds out the dross. Well all I can say to that is, what about Britney and Kevin?
One last thing while I'm ranting - the worst thing of all that fertiles do is talk about the special bond of love between mother and child in front of you - insinuating that because you haven't had it you've never experienced love - about as sensitive as telling a blind person they're missing out because they can't see.
But what they don't understand is while we haven't experienced it, we do know something about that bond. What else would give us the motivation to go through the hell of fertility treatments apart from the longed for goal of being able to love our children at the end of it?

[Laura]

I, too, cringed over the storylines in Scrubs. All of the contrived desperatness and illogical, but attempted humerous, scenerios about "trying" and testing. Wouldn't I have loved that super-easy "fertility test", given by a hot doctor, at no less?

Just for the record, I still, internally at least, identify J & I as "infertile." Yes, I have a bulbous belly and two babes on the way, but I'm pretty sure that if we ever decided that we want to have more, it won't be the "easy" way.

[donna]

When we saw that episode where she said she'd been trying for two whole months, we said in unison, "amateurs!"

Found you on a little pregnant. Love your site!