Thinking (updated)

*Sorry, Blogliners!  I meant to save and hit publish instead...so this is the actual completed post I meant to write!

I watch Andrew carefully rip off the padded foam bumpers I lovingly placed (and re-placed, and, once again, secured by packing tape) around the sharp corner of our fireplace.  He yanks one off and brandishes it in the air, shrieking mightily.  Then, he turns his focus to the tape, delighting in its crinkling noise, shoving as much as he can in his mouth.  Within minutes, all three bumpers are off and he has moved on to other pursuits.  His hair is too long now, looking straggly and unkempt--not yet to a Byronesque stage of intentional dishevelment. 

In the space of writing this, he's moved over closer to the computer, grabbing wires and banging them happily, flashing smiles at me as he plays peek-a-boo behind the curtains.  He is everywhere at once, mischievous, curious and focused.  Each day, he requires more intense attention; he surprises me with his speed and quickly-gaining coordination. 

So it is strange, with this new, labor-intensive stage, that I find myself weirdly excited to be thinking about trying for number two.

This is such a complicated subject for me, or at least it has been--I've gone from always wanting two kids (I'm one of two, as is Steve; to us, it's always what has represented our vision of a family), to hoping for just one, to thinking once Andrew arrived (and for many months thereafter) that one was really perfectly enough.

Really, after Andrew was born, I was so thrilled by his presence and perfection that I began to seriously question my devotion to the idea of two.  One is, no doubt, much easier than two.  With one, there's no more infertility (no more trying, and failing ,and sinking pits of depression), no more scary pregnancies or deliveries, no more early crazy days of newbornhood, no need to worry about dividing my attention between two very demanding little ones, and the possibility of an earlier return to my career path.

And yet...I saved all of Andrew's clothes and all of my maternity clothes.  I found myself talking about "Andrew's little sister."  I said things like, "I want to take our kids to England when they're older."  All the mistakes I've made so far, all the things that haven't gone quite as planned, all of the really hard parts, I've gotten through with the thought, at least now I know for number two. 

When I saw a newborn last week--and tiny newborn clothes in Target--I realized that I strangely yearned for that stage again.  Not that I don't adore where Andrew is now, but it's finally hitting me that those days for him are fully over.  In many ways, he's still a baby, but he's edging closer each day to being a little boy. 

So...two.  For normal people, this realization, that yes, we do want Andrew to have a sibling would be met with thoughts of perfect spacing, of birth control and timed attempts. 

For us?  Well, that's the rub.  I'd always wanted kids 3 years apart (the space between my brother and me), and I'd thought in the back of my head that I wanted to wait a while after Andrew was born to even think about going back to the RE.  After my endo diagnosis during the IVF egg retrieval, I figured that there was probably a lap in my future at some point before we actively started trying again. 

But with this recent rash of miraculous post-ART natural pregnancies, I am rethinking, yet again, what I want to do on this front.  Given the fact that so many people seem to have increased fertility during the first few cycles after their post-partum period resumes, should I really waste that?  What if it is my only opportunity to conceive naturally?  Should I still keep to my plan of waiting til Andrew was 18 months old to start even trying? 

I've always feared kids spaced closely together, but as I've carefully watched friends with gaps of varying size (3 years, 20 months, 22 months, 8 months), I've realized that the space is only one of the variables that matters in how the experience turns out.  In some ways, having two young kids is always going to be difficult.  There are pros and cons to each age span, and I've come away from my "perfect" spacing idea.

So...with that in mind, I think we've tentatively decided that once my period returns (Andrew's almost 10 months old, and despite a recent bout of what I was sure was PMS, it's not back yet), we're going to try again. 

Holy crap. 

Comments

[Jenn]

Good luck! We haven't decided even if we want to try for more, but I've been wondering about the same things as you about REs and BC, etc.

[DD]

The funny thing I have realized is that the perfect spacing for your children will be whatever the reality ends up being. I thought 3 years when we tried for no. 2. We're still trying for no. 2 and each month, I think to myself "5 yrs and x/number of months is the perfect spacing".

My parents have 6 children, including myself. When I ask my Mom what she thought was the perfect spacing (b/c she has a range of 18 mos to 7 years), she just smiles and tells me that they are all perfect.

[Linda]

For the record, my "miracle" came 1.5 years after my periods returned. It was NOT one of the first few cycles.

Good luck!

[lindy]

Wow! Wow, wow, wow!

[susie]

All these pregnancies lately are amazing. I could never have imagined it.

Wishing you all the best when you start trying. I hope it happens fast.

[Dead Bug]

Oh! OH!

My dear, I could not be more delighted. Whatever tide of hormonal alignment/random luck/good juju may be out there, I hope it washes over you and Steve.

--Bugs

[Sara]

I don't know if you are still keeping up with me, but we recently decided that #2 is in our future. (we hope . . . ) I would like to "get healthy" again and I aiming to start progesterone (again) this fall with active trying by this Christmas. It seems like a long way away, but I know it will come fast. (the trying part, who the hell knows about the baby part!)

Anyway, it is weird how wanting another sneaks up on you so fast! Good luck!

[Bev]

Oh,I know that excitement plus fear that comes with deciding that although we SAID that we'd be happy with even ONE baby, we really want to see if we can indeed conceive #2.When I read at the end that you both decided no B/c, I was happy for you.

After having two miracle babies myself, I can honestly tell you that I learned there is no perfect spacing. I, like you, wanted three years apart like MY brother and I are, but knew enough to not test my luck after experiencing the bitch that is infertility. I, like you, started feeling that pang of wanted a newborn before my first son was one year old. I now have that second child, and can tell you that although it is a lot harder than one, I would not trade him for anything in the world. I finally ahve two children. I can't believe my luck. What a blessing! I wish that blessing for you too!!!

[Anna]

Oh, how wonderful! I'm excited for you and wish you all the best!

R & I decided on our trip to my aunts that we wanted to try for #2. We'll need to wait until my cousin is done with school (in 2.5 years)! I guess we'll play it by ear!

[Lumi]

Awesome.

I have nothing to say except GOOD FOR YOU! How brave and full of love this decision is.

That's great. Good luck and I will certainly be one of many following your continuing story!

[Suz]

Good luck!!

[thalya]

I'm just hoping I'll ever get the chance to go for #2. I'm glad you're seizing the opportunity - as soon as it shows up!

[T]

Wow! Good luck!