Two weeks ago, July 20, would have been my due date.
I tried, with these brief pregnancies, not to focus on such things. With the first two, it was relatively easy--while my brain instantly worked out a due date (my savant skill, thank you very much), the pregnancies did not last long enough for the doctor to bestow an "official" date. With the last one, though, there were ultrasound pictures, crinkled black pages with a laboriously-typed EDD, a date which also happened to be the day we conceived Andrew, 4 years ago. A day we thought imbued with luck was transformed into something more ambiguous with December's loss.
I dreaded the day, but when it came, it was unremarkable, another day, excruciating only in the way that Mondays tend to be. My friend who had been due three days after me spent the day busily caring for her 8-week premature twins, further proof of the folly of the foolish hopes I'd harbored when we learned of our pregnancies together.
I was distracted, too, hoping that this month would be our month to conceive. For the past several years, I have believed, with little support but a full heart, that if I have a little girl, she will be born on April 17. It's odd, but on my mother's side of the family, in the pattern of the oldest girl's birth dates, the 17th of April would be the next date. (Given a due date of April 12th with Andrew, I thought that would be it; when I was induced in early April, I knew, with certainty, that it was not a girl I was carrying.) This cycle, my due date would have been April 17th. It was, I thought, the best omen I could find.
On Friday, though, this friend went into the hospital to be induced. Saturday morning, I woke up to a blank HPT and her birth announcement for her son.
That was hard, and I was a bit numb all weekend, but was getting it together, when I checked Facebook quickly before work...
and saw that my 20-year-old (unmarried, student) cousin is pregnant (5 1/2 weeks, ecstatically).
Oof. I hate that. I have a friend who's 24 year old unmarried, unemployed, un-drivers-licensed, live-in daughter is half way through her pregnancy. It feels like a punch in the gut, doesn't it???
Posted by: just me | August 04, 2009 at 09:04 AM
I was really hoping this would be your time. I'll keep you in my thoughts for next month...which means an emerald in your mother's ring for a May baby.
Posted by: Celeste | August 04, 2009 at 10:01 AM
Suckkkkkkkssss. God almighty.
If it weren't for damn other people, I might be able to endure IF, you know? But there are constant reminders.
SUCKS. Sucks sucks sucks sucks.
Thinking of you; hoping it gets better.
-D.
Posted by: D. | August 04, 2009 at 11:04 AM
I am so very sorry. That just sucks.
Posted by: Becky | August 04, 2009 at 11:37 AM
Oh, no. Noooooo. Where, exactly, is the fairness? I am so sorry. I was holding out this secret hope that you were pregnant when you came to town and didn't know it yet.
Have to ask: Is this the cousin who used to nanny for you? Gah.
Love you,
Bugs
Posted by: Dead Bug | August 04, 2009 at 02:05 PM
Oh it's rubbish, I'm sorry. Too many difficult dates, too many unfortunate coincidences. Hang in there.
Posted by: thalia | August 04, 2009 at 03:02 PM
Like a punch in the gut, and another, and another and another... I'm so sorry, sweetie, and thinking about you and hoping for you.
Posted by: bittermama | August 05, 2009 at 01:20 PM
Urgh, urgh and double urgh! Don't you just wish you had the ability to 'unknow' something from your head. I'm sorry about this month coinciding with that crap universe sticking-it-to-you timing of the birth announcement AND your cousin's jubilations (really, FBing it at 5.5 weeks??! Bizarre!). Big hugs...
Posted by: Maz | August 06, 2009 at 01:03 PM
Ugh - suckage, I'm sorry. Those pesky dates and thoughts - I think the cousin thing is an unnecessary sucker punch though. Thanks universe!
Posted by: T | August 06, 2009 at 05:26 PM