Unspoiled

Long before Andrew came, I  spoke lightly of giving this much-longed-for child whatever his heart desired:  Whatever little Pookie wants, I thought, he surely must deserve, after all we went through to get him here.

Of course, while my heart was out shopping at Toys R Evil and P*ttery Barn, tossing dump trucks and DVDs  into the cart, my head couldn't quite make it out of the garage, stilled by visions of Augustus Gloop.    Whatever my own baggage may be, I do not want my kid to be that kid.

When he was very young, this wasn't an issue.  As the first grandchild, he was swamped with gifts, and Steve and I ended up buying him very little for the first two years or so of his life.  He was thrilled with packing peanuts, tupperware, and boxes, and despite our toy-strewn living room, we congratulated ourselves on not instilling in him that grasping ugly acquisitiveness we so despised.

Several days ago, we went to Target to pick up a few things.  As we walked in, Andrew mused quietly, "I want to look at the things I want.  I'll show them to you, okay?"  I just smiled, and he continued, "I want some expensive things, I think." 

I have no idea whether or not he knows what the word "expensive" means, but hearing that greedy little plan, so naive yet so heartfelt, stopped me.  We've been lazy, really, when it comes to this, and are stuck a bit now, trying to figure out a set of rules, a way to ensure that this happy little guy doesn't turn into a spoiled little monster. 

For the most part, as parents we have tried to say "yes" to as many of his requests as possible--not a difficult task, usually, as these include things like "Will you read a book with me, Mommy?" and "Can we please buy some broccoli today?"  When it's not stuff, this works pretty well, and usually the reasons for saying no are pretty clear. 

When it comes to stuff, though, we're still struggling, occasionally indulging some of his inexpensive whims ($1 bin at Target, for example), while drawing the line at more substantial things ($20 motorized garbage truck at Costco).  Lately, we've told him that he can make a list for Santa, and we'll see what Santa chooses to give him at Christmas time, and he seems to think that's okay.  What we need, though, are a set of rules, a way of dealing with the wanting throughout the year.  Do we give him chores/daily tasks and he gets a toy for completing the chores after a period of time, as friends have done?  Do we give him an allowance and make him save for things?  Do we just not buy anything (bubbles, small toy cars, $1 bin goodies) unless it's some sort of occasion, like a holiday or a trip?  When we go to pick out a toy for a friend's birthday, should he get something small, too, or not? 

What do you all do?  What have you found works for you?       

Comments

[Dead Bug]

Oh, man, you've once again hit on the exact issue we're grappling with at the exact moment we're starting to address it. Must be one of those being-exactly-the-same-age things. Wish I had some great idea that had worked for us, but, alas, we haven't made a push yet. That fear of having a totally spoiled child, though...aiyiyi, it really worries me. Olivia is so innocently manipulative that I just don't know where to begin. I hope you'll share any tactics that work for you and Andrew!

[Heather]

Our daughter is almost 9 years old and I think we've been OK, but it doesn't mean she doesn't ask for material things more than I'd like her too. I think it's the nature of being a kid - wanting everything! That said, we don't pay for doing chores. We do chores because we live in our house and they need to be done. I read that somewhere and it seems to work for us.

What we do that I think works, is that she knows expensive items are saved for Christmas or birthday gift ideas. Expensive is your definition $20 and up. Even small items are not guaranteed if she asks for them. She's not allowed to think that she can get something every time we go out. It's based on our discretion and budget.

[maggie]

my sisters kids were spoiled rotten by my mother when they were babies and now it is a nightmare -they think they can have what ever they want, money is no issue. my sister has been battling this for a few years (against my mother)and my sister is tough. i learned from my sister to say no to my mother. also, i dont think a child should be able to get a gift because he is getting a friend a gift - the trip should be about getting a gift for a friend's birthday, not getting a gift for yourself - having said that, a 1 dollar toy at target every once in a while is fine, IMO! I am sure you are doing a great job! My daughter is 3 and already we have to go look at the toys every time we go to target - i am kinda practicle so i dont buy my kids a lot of toys but oh god was it fun to shop for her birthday and throw 3 toys into the cart!

[Lisa]

I've never bought either of mine a gift because we were buying someone else a gift. In fact, I had a huge disagreement with my MIL when my second son had his first birthday because she wanted to buy my oldest a present "so he'll have something to open, too." It wasn't his time to open presents, it was his brother's, and the sooner he learned that, the better off he'd be.

I've always allowed them to LOOK at the toy aisle all they wanted, and when they'd say "I want [x]," I'd say, "Well, remember that and ask Santa," or "Remember to ask for that for your birthday!"

[btdt]

We haven't really thought about a specific plan so much as getting into the habit of saying no more often than we say yes to taking things home. Our son (4 yrs) will often play with things at the store, and usually is pretty calm when we say, "It's time to put the toy back on the shelf so it will be there the next time we visit."

Other than that, we try to stay away from stores that have toys unless we intend to buy a toy. Mostly it's at home when we have to upgrade to saying, "It's good to want things" when he whines for something, or (and he hates this), singing, "You can't always get what you want." We learned that last trick from some old friends. Kids hate the Stones.

[Sara]

Well . . . . my Mom (much to my dismay) sends Ainsley a "care package" probably once every 4-6 weeks. It often has practical things in it, like clothing, socks, hair ties, but she often throws in bracelets or a book or a new person for her dollhouse. I always make Ainsley *write* a thank you card to her, too. I guess I am trying to reinforce good manners and how it was something "special" from someone, so we say thank you.

For us, I do little things for Ainsley when she doesn't expect it. Maybe it is when she has just had a great week at preschool or has been exceptionally kind. For example, she has had a really good few weeks at school with lots of "listening ears", so today I gave her a Wow Wow Wubzy book in the car to read (her favorite character.) She poured on the thank yous and kisses and I feel good, yet I don't ever get the feeling she expects anything, if that makes sense.

In stores, I have noticed she doesn't ever really "ask" for toys, but rather asks to go see them. I let her touch different balls or animals or games and then we put them back. I always stick in the Santa thing, too. "You know, we will have to write Santa a letter and ask him for this!" She seems to understand she has to do certain things for Santa to pay attention to her (haha, horrible I know) like listen and follow directions and be kind to others, etc. I don't know if we are going to hit the stage where she whines for things, but I expect if we do, I will try to nip that in the bud as quick as I can. But I see it in stores all the time with other kids, so it must be developmental, to some degree. Oh! And I also talk with her about money. I think it is important for her to realize we got to work to make money so we can have nice things, like clothes and food, etc.

As for big gifts, I think they should be reserved for birthdays and Christmas, too. Small things, especially educational things, are great little motivators or even thank yous for excellent behavior.

[MsPrufrock]

P will play with EVERYTHING in a store, but she doesn't go so far as to say she wants it. I think we have a tendency to spoil her, but it's not from pre-schooler pressure, it's because we like to make her happy. I know there are other ways to make her happy, and we do those too, plus it's not as if she has something new with much regularity. We will sometimes buy her something inexpensive when we're out (akin to your $1 Target bin), and we never, ever, reward bad behaviour, ie, buying her a toy to shut her up when shopping.

P does have a sticker chart - 10 stickers means a trip to the toy store. Said toy is never very substantial, just a bit more than the cheap occasional toys mentioned earlier. It takes her awhile at the moment to get up to 10 stickers, so it's not as if she's being constantly rewarded.

We do worry at times that we get her too much, but I think at least if you're wary of it, you're more likely to proceed with caution. I hope so anyway!

[Maz]

Jack's going through the same thing too. Yesterday he 'just wanted to go past the toys' in the supermarket 'just to see'....And I get the 'I want one of those for Christmas'. I try and keep presents for occasions. I did get him a very little something when Sam turned one (altho he seemed more concerned that Sam only had 2 presents...mean parents!) - but not sure I will in the future. And not for other kids bdays. I don't buy him stuff in shops cos he asks (99% of the time anyway! Never in response to whining though!). I do tend to buy stuff if I'm out on my own and hold it back until an occasion or something. I don't know...it is hard to know what to do. I wing it, I'm aware of it, try my best and cross my fingers and hope for the best.

My MIL always is heavy on the gifts...every visit there's usually a book or something and at Christmas/birthdays its just OTT. Part of me thinks its grandparents perogative (smaller part)...but part of me feels like telling her - money doesn't equal affection! My mother isn't as well off as MIL and rarely buys gifts - but can you guess who is favourite granny?? :o)